Method in madness

I think I might have hit the nail on the head. I used to believe in happy endings, fairy tales, where good always triumphed, where the bad guy always got his comeuppance (usually in a rather nasty – but somehow comical – way) and where the nerdy guy with the terrible haircut always got the girl. Then reality happened. Life is somewhat more complicated than a movie script and my dreams and illusions shattered over night.

So for while, I gave up entirely. I looked upon life as a series of cold episodes. And I tried to come to terms with my life and where it had taken me. Yet, with all of this I wasn't able to find anything. Just more questions, more 'what if's that didn’t lead me anywhere I wanted to go.

But something in recent months has begun to change. What I don’t quite know. Perhaps it was Audrey Hepburn looking down at me, who knows? The realisation that not everything needs to change, at least not right now. So now I’m beginning to dream again. Not so naively this time, but dreaming I am.

A painful personal admission

I have an embarrassing admission to make. Its painful but I have to admit that I have a problem. I can't hide it away any longer. I need to face it and find the help I need.

I'm addicted to crap movies. Really bad ones. Think of a truly terrible movie, probably a romantic comedy that is neither romantic or comedic, and its one of those. I just can't help myself. I've tried abstinence and it didn't work. I've tried watching thoughtful, intelligent movies to wane me of my habit, but no joy. I just can’t help myself.

It’s not a new problem. I’ve had it before (Overboard with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn – a truly underrated masterpiece of modern cinema) but I thought it had gone away. Several years of watching (mostly) great films, films with meaning and purpose, some even with sub-titles, lulled me into a false sense of security. But at a moment of personal weakness my curse resurfaced. And its now getting out of control. The choice of Raging Bull or Freaky Friday (guess which won?) has made me realise how deep the problem is.

I need help, urgently.

Jesus fucking Christ

What kind of shit have I got myself into? I've just found out that the organization I work for has a 'partner' in the US going by the name of Halliburton. Yes, that Halliburton. The same company with rather cosy links to the Bush administration, the 'reconstruction' of Iraq and more dodgy deals than you can shake a stick at. I've sold my soul to Satan and he's now pissing on me from a great height. I blame the wrestlers of course.

Sunshine and memories

Summer is clearly on its way. My sandals are out, I dip my feet in the lake, and I'm sunburnt already. Yet, the return of the sun also brings the return of memories that I've been avoiding of late. A visit to a town across the lake brings things back. The last time I was here and who I was with. Some feelings don't change. They may hide, mutate, or dip under the surface, but they are always there. And I know right now that I miss that face and that voice. And I wish that things might be different.

Culture jam

Something fun to pass the time away. GM create a website where you can make your own SUV advert.. and they are then surprised when people use the site to make anti SUV ads instead!

So here I now present my humble contribution.

join the fun and create your own advert today!

Flip flopping on a rainy day

A series of isolated events have come together in my mind. A clear blue sky, a glance and a smile across a table, cogs clicking into action and momentum building around something meaningful and worthwhile. So now here I am, flip-flopping all over the place, as the rain pours down around me. One minute this, another minute that. And no decisions to be found. Frustrating but welcoming at the same time. Some real choices now appear and the thinking must begin.

The grass is always greener...

..on the other side. I moan about having nothing to do and then everything starts happening. Now I'm moaning about having too much to do. You'd think I could make my bloody mind up. And the elephants are still chained to the tree in the meantime.

19.10 from Clapham Junction

I'm standing in a busy carrage and a large Winnie the Poo is singing to me. As he sings some unknown song the heat seems to grow more intense, the air thins and then my very vision seems to blur. I'm then sitting on my bag on the carrage floor, looking at the various legs around me. Different shapes, different sizes, shopping bags surrounding them. The doors open, the legs walk out and fresh air finally pours in. And I can finally stand again.