View from a golden bus

We move across London, jumping up and down. People look and stare in bewilderment.

Have they never seen a large golden bus before?

Then something magical happens, one person smiles. They make a joke to their companion, another smile. Then other person catches sight of us and does the same. Office workers in suits, shoppers with their wares. Security guards guarding nondescript buildings.

Happiness through the scratched glass.

Up

The clock beats, my mood changes once again. Cuckoo.

Down

Strange. One day I'm up, happy and feel like I'm dealing with things. The next I'm down and dwelling on the past. A weird dream last night has brought things back and I miss her terribly. I want to write or call, but I know that won't help. A sense of utter powerlessness has come over me. I've led most of my life feeling in control of things, but now I'm like a sail ship without a decent wind. Drifting along until I hit dry land. Where ever it may be, I just hope it is sunny....

Ouch

24 hours later and my head has finally recovered. I should vow never to drink again but I would be lying completely.

Civilasation

Wow... I've finally found a bar here which I actually like. It's only Monday but my week feels complete. Great bar (a la Foundry), fantastic gig and some nice people as well. The inevitable hangover tomorrow may put a dent on things but I'm still pissed so that doesn't matter right now.... I will regret this tomorrow however...

Mystery benefactor

Someone unknown has just put a sum of money into my bank account. Am I becoming an unwitting pawn in international drug running or some other nefarious activity? Does a life of crime await me followed by some time at her Majesty's pleasure?

When I am arrested all I can say is I know nothing.... but I would say that wouldn't I?

Il pleut

It's cold, raining and it's still really dark when I wake up in the morning.

So there is only one answer to my Autumn/Winter blues... a nice cup of tea. Hmmmm.. magic, I feel better already!

Parlez vous anglais?

J'ai une petite probleme. J'habite en un pays que le langue est français et je ne parle pas bien.

Alors, le premier question est 'Vous parlez anglais'. Quand le réponse est 'Oui' je suis tres content, mais quand le réponse est 'Non', je suis 'buggered'!

Dans ma ecole j'ai appris français que n'est pas utile pour ma vie ici. Je sais a parler 'Where is the train station' et 'John Phillipe likes playing babyfoot' mais pas les mots pour 'my central heating is not quite working and i think I have air in the pipes' !!!

Alors je suis un étudiant de nouveau.....

First realisation of being single again..

...I really need to learn how to cook!! No one will be impressed with my one pasta dish (which you would never believe, involves tomatoes). I cooked it tonight and it isn't really a crowd pleaser.

So time to get the apron out and start trying something new.

Suggestions welcome!

Some good news! About bloody time...

Blood sugar levels are down, the drugs are working, regular insulin injections (always hard for someone who is afraid of needles) hopefully not now needed. Not me, but someone I care for very deeply and who has always been there for me.

So the first piece of bad news from this week looks like it will turn out ok. Same probably can't be said for the rest, but I'm actually happy for the first time in a week!!

I would start singing now but for two minor points:

a) my singing voice is terrible and probably contravenes the Geneva convention
b) you wouldn't get it stereo on the blog

come to think of it... Ignore a) my voice is amazing and I am seriously thinking of taking it up professionally.

'There may be sunshine....' voice drowns into cyber space

This is hard

I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I'm not handling things very well to be honest. I've discovered a side of me that I didn't think existed and that is taking some getting used to. Everywhere I look I see memories and we're not able to sit down together (slight problem of several thousand miles between us) to discuss what has happened and what will happen next. Part of me thinks I should accept things, move on, but another part finds that hard. Giving up on several happy years, perhaps the happiest of my life that I thought would go on for many more, is not very easy

Lots of conflicting emotions; love, hate, fear, all swirling around inside me. And as our American friends say, I haven't yet found closure.

I'll be ok, things will clear and I'll decide what a want to do with my life. But it may take a while...

We all soldier on.

Clear open skies

A decision has been made, so a new era begins for me. My assumptions about my future and my life here will now need to radically change. Where there was once two, there is now just one. All so sudden, yet perhaps not as we both knew we were living on borrowed time. If I am given the chance, would I go back? Of course, and I still have some hope. But the realist within me has its doubts. Perhaps time will bring things into focus and we will decide to try again. Who knows...

So here I am, looking out onto a beautiful blue sky. Time to head back soon to Geneva, my home, and see what my future holds...

Words for the wise

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Groucho Marx

I promise to start writing happier entries, but its hard...

..just pulled into an all staff meeting where they announced a colleague had passed away. I didn't know him, but you could tell he was much loved, by the tears in people's eyes and the way they spoke. He died on holiday with his family. My thoughts are with them....

Change is in the air

The crossroads comes ever closer, or maybe it is a T junction after all, as going straight ahead as before doesn't seem possible.

I've just had some beers, watched some football (I'm sorry, I am a bloke after all) and things seem better, or maybe I am just a bit pissed so have forgotten about things. In any case they are for tomorrow...

So good night all, sweet dreams, don't let the bed bugs bite, and fingers crossed tomorrow it won't be raining...

P.S. apologies for the Leonard Cohen in an earlier post... god his songs are depressing...

Approaching a crossroads

Decisions, decisions.. I usually try and avoid them, but I don't think that is going to work this time. Things have changed and other things are changing. The question is how I change with them. I'm approaching a cross roads and I need to decide which direction I take....

Oh teachers are my lessons done?

I met a woman long ago
her hair the black that black can go,
Are you a teacher of the heart?
Soft she answered no.

I met a girl across the sea,
her hair the gold that gold can be,
Are you a teacher of the heart?
Yes, but not for thee.

I met a man who lost his mind
in some lost place I had to find,
follow me the wise man said,
but he walked behind.

I walked into a hospital
where none was sick and none was well,
when at night the nurses left
I could not walk at all.

Morning came and then came noon,
dinner time a scalpel blade
lay beside my silver spoon.

Some girls wander by mistake
into the mess that scalpels make.
Are you the teachers of my heart?
We teach old hearts to break.

One morning I woke up alone,
the hospital and the nurses gone.
Have I carved enough my Lord?
Child, you are a bone.

I ate and ate and ate,
no I did not miss a plate, well
How much do these suppers cost?
We'll take it out in hate.

I spent my hatred everyplace,
on every work on every face,
someone gave me wishes
and I wished for an embrace.

Several girls embraced me, then
I was embraced by men,
Is my passion perfect?
No, do it once again.

I was handsome I was strong,
I knew the words of every song.
Did my singing please you?
No, the words you sang were wrong.

Who is it whom I address,
who takes down what I confess?
Are you the teachers of my heart?
We teach old hearts to rest.

Oh teachers are my lessons done?
I cannot do another one.
They laughed and laughed and said, Well child,
are your lessons done?
are your lessons done?
are your lessons done?

By Leonard Cohen

The passage of time

Tears from a parent, the reality of old age hits me. There is no magic wand, it will not somehow 'get better'. It's a road we all travel down, whether we like it or not, and we all know where the journey ends even if we try to deny it. We all just have to deal with it the best way we can.

A milestone for me in a few months, yet it seems like only yesterday when I was still a child. But look forward I must, not back. No more reminiscing about times gone by, friendships faded or lost.

What does the future hold for me? Only time will tell...

Straight out of the sauna

Just back from a weekend in Helsinki visiting friends. I last visited back in 2000 and, to be honest, didn't think much of the place (cold, rather boring). This time round I loved it... strange how our tastes change over time. What was then boring is now refreshing and relaxed - a great place to live I think, in a city but so close to the sea, forests and all the accompanying wildlife. And the saunas? Well let's just say that as soon as my plane home took off, I wanted to go back. Another day perhaps....