Bristol

I'm back with my parents and things haven't changed since the last time I was here, or probably for as long as I can remember. At least things haven't changed with them. So I'm being treated like a child once again, am being made endless cups of tea and being generally well looked after.

The problem is that I think I have changed in recent months. Whereas once I would have been content to let things carry on as normal, now I'm not so sure. Part of me is finding it suffocating just being here. I want to be having real conversations about real things, something that my family doesn't excel at. I really see where my lack of communication comes from. I feel guilty about saying all this, but it is true.

Of course, I want to be somewhere else, with someone else. But I know that isn't possible and that it wouldn't be a good idea even if it was. But that doesn't make the feeling any less real. I feel guilt about saying this as well, but I know I need to say it.

So instead I sit here, writing this. Another 'random' thought from me. I'm not totally sure why I write these things, but it allows me to say things that I find harder to speak. I've now just got to build up courage to start saying them out loud as well.